Titanic II: fun takes a new direction

Hilarious billionaire Clive Palmer, has announced he is re-enacting the maiden voyage of the Titanic. His love for the movie has led him to recreating an exact replica of the ship. Tickets will be sold for up to, and over, one million dollars.
Costumes will be handed to passengers, and poor people are being allowed on board, to live below deck.
Clive is cutting no corners, and driven by his desire for accuracy, he is flying rats in from all over Ireland. He’s starving these rats down to their correct “acting” weight, for their role in the lower decks of his re-enactment.
The poor will be provided with bags of potatoes, exactly half the food they require to resist disease, and plenty of alcohol to keep them so drunk they’ll believe they are having a better time than those dining in true opulence above.
To the poor allowed on board who resist alcohol, and seem capable of developing an awareness of the bigger picture, bibles will be provided. Religion will stop the poor from killing the rich.
Clive Palmer says he will allow a larger number of poor on board than he originally intended “to make the rich feel richer.”
Because of this, the poor tickets for the lower decks of Titanic II are available free via a national lottery.
Clive quoted “there are millions of people desperate to be passengers on the lower decks. And why wouldn’t they? They are allowed all the musical instruments they can carry, and I am personally paying for enough alcohol for the party on the lower decks to never stop.”
Clive continued to state he is paying for an iceberg to crash into the Titanic II in the dead of the night.
An iceberg he has named “Iceberg II.”
Clive stated as Titanic II reaches the half way stage of the voyage, Iceberg II will destroy Titanic II.
When asked how this is possible, Clive revealed Iceberg II will be piloted by man, and hinted he will be the lucky guy behind the wheel.
Once Iceberg II hits, guests will be thrown overboard; plummeting into the icy sea beneath.
“Sure, to pull off the complete authentic experience, this is going to be expensive. But, this isn’t about cost. I don’t want to talk about money. This is about recreating the most authentic Titanic movie experience possible.”
Once in the sea, the blood of all guests will turn blue.
Loved ones will be ripped from frozen fingers.
“As per the terms of the contract.” Stated Palmer.
There will be enough lifeboats on board, to comply with modern safety regulations, but Clive has an agreement in place: at the time of the crash half of the lifeboats will be dropped into the sea too early, rendering them useless.
“For authenticity.”
At this point in the press conference, Clive smiled, and the reporters applauded his vision.
He trended worldwide on Twitter and spread across Facebook.
Every news channel devoured his story and promoted his idea.
This great man, this billionaire; starting a voyage all of his own.
Taking fun in a new direction for everyone.
Clive went on “I hope there will not be enough lifeboats for all of the children.”
The applause in the room grew. Clive explained further.
Dead babies will float head down on the cold surface of the dark vast ocean.
One lucky millionaire will stay on board as the ship breaks up, as the captain, because he has paid extra for the privilege.
The poor will remain locked and crushed in the lower decks, the rats will run the same way they originally did.
There are to be no screams twelve minutes after the Titanic II has sunk.
No power.
Just silence.
All passengers and crew will plunge into lethally cold water with a temperature of only 28 °F (−2 °C).
Almost all of the people will die in the water from hypothermia, cardiac arrest, or drowning.
All of this, Clive says, will “really help you pretend you are in the movie.”
The reporters stood now, a standing applause for this great man.
Clive put his hands up, palms facing his audience, and asked for calm.
He wasn’t a great man, he laughed, just a brilliant one.
He went on to say he will not be onboard for the exciting repeat of the biggest movie event of 1997.
He will, regretfully, have to escape in Iceberg II, once he has observed the deaths of all of those on board.
Clive, rubbing his hands, went on to state to the dribbling press he will be running future authentic movie re-enactments for the rich; and the rich people of the world should book as soon as possible to avoid disappointment.
His next movie re-enactment will be The World Trade Centre movie, released in 2006, and he intends to put millionaires in a building and fly a plane into the side, so everyone can truly understand what it must be like to be an actor in an event that never took the lives of real people.
After that, Clive says, he is going to mix it up a bit.
He smiled down the cameras, and told the world press, for his last event, he will re-enact the movie “The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas.”
He said, for this event, he will only take the children of millionaires.
The children will be dressed in rags and starved for months, before being marched into gas chambers and buried in thousands of unmarked ditches like animals.
“It will really help you pretend you are in the movie,” said Palmer.

5 thoughts on “Titanic II: fun takes a new direction

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