For the past few weeks, everybody in football has been talking about how nobody in football is talking about Arsenal midfielder Matthew Flamini.
An Arsenal fan from Motuo, China, was quick to react:
“We have to praise Flamini, but we do not. if Ozil is our new car, Flamini should be spoken about as our new steering wheel. Without a steering wheel, our car would crash, and a branch from a tree will break through the windscreen and remove the head of our driver. When will the first person talk about Flamini in these terms? You can’t drive a car fast without a head. What does a player have to do to get credit from fans like me?”
An old lady from La Rinconada, Peru, was asked about Ozil, and she responded by putting down her oranges, and talking about not talking about Flamini.
“Ozil is fantastic, the grace of two swans making love under a night full of stars and a moon the size of a bin lid. But all I talk about is The Great Wizard of Ozil. I want to know why nobody is pulling the curtain back and talking about Flamini. What does Flamini have to do, to be spoken about by people like me?”
The village elders from Ittoqqortoomiit, Greenland, a small village with no phones or internet, sat around their only television and watched Match of the Day whilst eating sausages, hoping for answers; but Gary Linker was as miffed as everybody else. He asked Match of the Day viewers and the panel what Flamini would need to do, to ever be spoken about on a programme like Match of the Day.
The panel of experts spoke about Flamini at length, before agreeing that nobody knew.
Matthew Flamini was unavailable to comment.